Parenting children is a balance of play, teaching, rescuing, and shaping behaviors. Children are so small in comparison to the huge world around them. Honestly, they’re so small in comparison to their parents. Even though children are very in control of themselves, parents are often empowered by the illusion of control they’re able to maintain during their children’s earlier years, BUT… THEY GROW INTO TEENS.
Teens are not only physically nearly as large as (and sometimes even larger than) their parents, their emotions and cognitive growth rate are twice as huge! Parenting teens is A WHOLE NEW BALL GAME. Give yourselves a round of applause, teen parents. You’ve made it to ROUND 2 OF PARENTING: RESPONSE TIME.
The most important part of parenting teens is RESPONDING instead of REACTING. Be thoughtful in the words you choose AND the battles you choose. They are way too emotional for you to meet them with your own high emotions.
Parents, the eye rolls, talking under their breath, and “whatevers” are absolutely infuriating and disrespectful; HOWEVER, choose your response wisely. Meeting their disrespect with larger, louder disrespect, yelling, “You will respect me!” is like running head first into a NO WIN fight that does nothing short of damaging your relationship with your child.
Take a deep breath. Give them space. De-escalate. Respond.
Not only is the power struggle huge with teens, their desire for social independence is huge. The most important DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS for teens are: developing new cognitive skills (abstract thinking), developing a sense of personal and sexual identity, and developing a social identity.
Teens are a beautiful mosaic of growth and development, and they complete developmental tasks through social interaction WITH PEERS. Parents, they aren’t drawn to their friends because they hate you. They’re doing just what their brains need them to do to keep growing appropriately!
When your children care more about their friends’ opinions than yours, state this affirmation:
“They’re accomplishing developmental tasks and growing appropriately when they choose their friends over me.” Don’t over-react. Relax. See their behaviors for what they really are… and that’s APPROPRIATE and EXPECTED.
We live in strange times for social interactions, development, and growth. This technology era is breeding a whole new form of connection for young people. Regardless of your opinion of texting, video chatting, and social media platforms, they are here as a major means of connection, especially for young people.
ALMOST ALL parents of teens I encounter say, “I just take that cellphone when he/she is acting out.” Parents, natural and logical consequences are still the most effective response for teens.
Cellphones are not the end all, be all for controlling your teens. The punishment should fit the crime. That means if your teen’s negative behavior is not related to inappropriate cell phone use, he should not lose cell phone privileges. Find a unique, fitting response for your teen’s behaviors, and stop taking their cellphones.
You can’t control your teens, and if you’re honest with yourself, you know that’s a good thing. You’re rearing responsible, strong-willed young adults. Pat yourself on the back. You’re doing great.